How Does It Feel?
Photo © 2016 Stephen Newton
Keith Kilburn wrote How Does It Feel in response to the film, One Night in January: Counting the Cost of Homelessness. To submit your answer to the question: If you were suddenly thrust into homelessness, how would you feel? please visit bookscover2cover.com for details.
To be on your own, with no direction home,
Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone. —Bob Dylan
His most popular song, why? Do we all relate to that feeling of utter destitution and abandonment? I am a total failure. Everything I’ve tried has turned out badly. Even Mother Earth has rejected me. For that matter, so has God.. “Napoleon in rags, and the language that he used,” is that me? We were living in our metro vans and school buses like it was a lark. Now it’s just grim and scary and painful.
I feel desperate. What do I do now? I don’t know how to do this. I was barely capable of living my previous life with its comforting routines and other ways of assuring me that I was ok.
How do I get warm? I will freeze to death or curl up with frostbite. I already feel so dirty. Does anyone care that I have no place to live? I don’t think I can sleep in a dormitory. Too many people makes me too nervous. Can’t I find a warm burrow in the soft dirt of a pine forest with someone warm to curl up with.
Dream on, you fool. You don’t qualify for warm companionship. How about a warm bottle? Doesn’t last and then you’re colder than ever. I hate the people who put me here. Which Congressman should I shoot first? Can’t afford a gun. Damn it!
I’m stuck right where I am. What’s wrong with me? How could I end up like this? I’m a good person. I was a good person. What did I do to deserve this? “Nobody ever taught you how to live out on the street. No, you’re gonna have to get used to it.”
Maybe I’ll just give up. What does that mean? Suicide? Opioid overdose? I can always do that. Shouldn’t be my first choice. See if my wilderness survival skills can work in the city. “When you ain’t got nothing, you got nothing to lose.”
I’ll pretend not to care. Fuck you! Fuck the world!
First thing I need to do is scout around. Find a place protected from the weather. Get lots of layers of clothes, so I don’t need a sleeping bag, just a good overcoat. I remember that young guy I’d always see with his overcoat. In all kinds of weather, dressed the same. Where’s the soup kitchen? Maybe I can find a hidden place nearby. Is there a park nearby? Dig a burrow under a big rock.
Who do I know who might help me? Have I burned all my bridges?
Try to get outfitted and actually disappear into the woods, like an extended backpacking trip. If I had all the gear I need and enough money to buy two weeks of food at a time, I might be able to make this work. It’s just a management problem.
In the meantime, “How do you feel about having to be scrounging your next meal?” Where’s my picket sign, the one that says, “UNFAIR.”
About the Author:
Keith Kilburn lives in Petaluma, California where he is a mental health counselor and a writer. His most recent novel is Another Butterfly available at Amazon. Buy it here.